science and progress,did not speak as loud as my heart

each day passing by,i could feel my energy slowly draining by this sick sick sick emotions that keeps on  consuming me endlessly.i don't know why lately i'm being such a monstrous bitch and the evil wicked witch and yea,sometimes i am being the heartless girlfriend to my boyfriend.it's not that i did it in purpose,it's not that i didn't love him anymore.no,get that fact straight,i still madly deeply in love with my adorable boyfriend but sometimes,the situation around me gets me at my worst and when that happens,i have the tendency to snap at anyone who's get into my way.my life ain't easy you see.i could put on the most sweetest widest smile to show to the world but you really really have no idea what's going inside me,the deepest core.my mind is working,keep on thinking.i go to bed with the same thought and wake up the next day with the same thought again.it drives me nut actually but i couldn't help it.it is in my nature to over think and over analyze about absolutely everything.i know it's not healthy but excuse me,i was born without an on-off switch.having headache everyday and taking panadols to ease the pain for a while is like a routine to me now.hmm.

what's up with me and Cecen is that,i can see everyday we have something to disagree about.he's with his lecture mode and i'm with my stubborn mode.he's with his talk mode and i'm with my listening mode.there are times i do disagree with him silently but i know by saying out about my disagreement,it would start up an argument which i really really really want to avoid of and he as well,mun boleh nang sik mok kelaie.he's a great,full detailed talker while me,i'm the clumsy talker so there's no way i will win the argument so i just shut myself up and suck it up.haha.now you know Chen.now you know. xD we both,are so opposite.completely opposite.he is the life of the party,energy up 24/7 while me,im the quiet girl who doesn't love to talk to almost people in this world and preferring lounging in my bedroom,cuddle up with my pillow,read a book and swim into my own world.he's with his standard on dressing codes,mok modern2 medes hot jak while im with my vintage dress sense which is nowhere near hot.his constant talk about his past which i have no idea what was the point of mentioning of his "dragons".his words that sometimes can sting you to the heart and im with my fragile heart and unstable mood swings so to be honest,it is really freaking hard to handle him and i am hard to handle as well.

another thing that makes me sometimes uncontrollably upset is this motherfucking distance that keeps on bugging me since i was 20 years old.although we are apart by 45km by land,i still could feel the distance,the missing feeling it hurts.in a month,we only met once or twice or thrice,all of that by chance or luck so you see,after a long distance relationship i'd endured for almost three years,now i am starting to feel it is going to be the same again.it sucks.honestly.for once in my life,i just want a normal relationship like other couples.is it really too much of me for asking it? sigh* this September,Cecen might be going to Shah Alam to pursue his degree and for the second time again,i will be left alone.thinking about that,i feel slightly scared that history might repeat.lack of communication,skyping,webcamming,texting due to study obligations and i,with my work.so it's hard,it ain't easy and nowhere near great.

you don't know about this Chen but i am really really really scared of the pain that God forbids might occur again but for sure,i know i love you and i know that you love me too.

despite our lack of same interests,we at least have one thing in common,which is the four world,love.the feeling i have for him is the only sole thing that keeps me holding on to this rope that binds us together and i guess he is too.we have been through a hell lot of dramas that involves my family this month,he was there for me,he was there to support me,wiped my tears off from my cheek,hugged me and promised me that everything will be alright the next day and that is the main reason i love him,he cares about me and he shows it,not by only saying it.i know people will say love is not enough because it could crumbles down easily because the lack of same interest but that's where him and i need to prove them wrong.to prove the world wrong.if we keep on standing onto the solid ground holding hands,i don't think other elements could shake the faith that installed in us.the feeling is too strong to let go.too strong..

it takes all kinds of weather

to bring us closer together

althogh we are apart

i still dream about u boy

the words above are from Cecen's blog.i spent my morning reading his posts about us,about our past from just crushes to couples.it's really funny when i read back yet it sweet.really sweet and yes,it brought the smiles back to this face of mine. :) i do love you Cecen and i mean every alphabet of it,from the I to the letter U.although i can be such a pain in the ass or you think that my love for you is decreasing,or you might think i wanna give up or suddenly have regrets but please,don't you dare think such a thing.never ever let that poisonous thought invade your mind because you know i will never ever love you less.in fact i am in love with you more and more each day despite our misunderstandings and intense moments.you are too adorable to let go. :') and most importantly,past is past.yesterday is yesterday,today is today.

remember when you said " gonna teach you cooking for sure, teach you bidayuh and then gonna meet up your dad, okie? " this may sound absurd or nonsense to you but those little words that might be meaningless to you,could be the world to me.each time we fought,i will replaying your words like a tape in my brain so that my faith will be restore back,my brain will be thinking about the future ahead and most importantly,why i fell in love with you in the first place so that's how i hold on to this sometimes.i know i might seem a silly person right now but what the hell,i don't care as long as you know what i am trying to say to you.you are the world to me,i repeat....you.are.the.world.to.me.sayang. :')

i mean it when i say i don't think i could love anyone else again like i love you now.you are the last one dear dear Chen ♥

"Now I'm Free, Free Fallin"

• #nowplaying Say by John Mayer,i love his calm and simple voice.it soothes my mind and soul 
• the weather is being insanely warm for almost a month now.sweaty all around,my head is pounding hard due to this humid.oh my Rain,where are you?we humans need you. :(
• i bought a new classic book by Louisa May Alcott titled Little Women,a must have for classic fans && my classic shelf is almost full now.yay and another photography magazine for me to learn.just nice.
• Anne Frank, i came across about her bio in Tumblr then i straight away picked up her book in my shelf and re-read again the opening word. i hope i shall be able to confide to you completely, as i have never been able to do in anyone before, and i hope that you will be a great support and comfort to me. 
• it has been 6 days already since Cecen and i last met and i can't deny that i am feeling crappy now.i misssssss him. *sigh*and due to that,i can feel like i am gonna transform into a zombie, so can i eat you strangers?
• dusk, i love it when the sky turns dark blue painted with golden clouds.it's beyond amazing.

    

endless cycle.

6.30 am,convince myself to wake up.sit with a blanket wrapping my foot.turn on the shower tap.water running through my skin.staring at closet,thinking what to wear.dressing up,put a little make up on.breakfast.hot tea with a couple of bread or biscuit.online for a while.off to work.

meet new people.editing photos.staring the monitor screen.the brain is at somewhere else.the boss talking.the soul is at a far far place.lunch.editing photos again.yawning and trying to look for some food to eat.tweeting and stalking people.hot tea or coffee again.talking to the customers.trying to smile and stay polite eventhough they are rude as hell.5 or 6 pm, home.

head straight to room.bags on the bed.on laptop,playing some music.texting with Rabbittchen.mind is languid.eyes are soring.body is exhausted.dinner.texting with Rabbittchen again.shower,feeling the drizzling water over the skin.over thinking,i should stop doing that.reading some book just to quench the thirst for words.lying down.thinking,imagining things.blanket pull up to the chest.facing side way.thinking.staring at the phone screen.eyes shut.earphones on.sleep.

the next day, repeat the same step.

a banal life.

thank God i have an amazing boyfriend whom can keep up with my bipolar attitude. :3

Bliss - n : Extreme Happiness ; Ecstasy = Dick Cheney

The Honey Tree

               

It started it out as a feeling which then grew into a hope

which then turned into a quiet thought 

which then turned into a quiet word

and then the word grew louder and louder til there was a battle cry

i'll come back when you call me

no need to say goodbye

i am fully aware that my blog now is filled with Cecen's name and no one else,oh well i am freaking in  love with him.there's nothing i could do to stop myself from typing his name and story about him.the state of my brain right now is 100% Dick Cheney.other people?a big fat 0.thinking about him makes me smiling like an idiot and the feeling of wonderful-ness is just blooming inside.great lovey feelings i must say,alas..i miss him so dearly. :'(

Dear you, i'm writing this to you sincerely from the very bottom of my heart.i know i can be such a psycho mad girl friend who has an attitude that sometimes very absurd to deal with.i sometimes push you away just because of tiny little things you did and you have to wait till the next day for me to contact you back.i can be intolerable and very hard to pin down because i dont want to tell you what is going on with my brain which i admit,i myself don't understand how my complex mind works.i can be sometimes,a pain in the ass i guess..i'm sorry if i keep on making you worry about me,about my unstable mood,about my bitchy attitude.i am really,really,sorry.

i love you so much i don't want to lose you because i don't think i can endure another painful *the word B* anymore and you know it right.i just want to live and share my life with you and only you.i know we are still in an early stage in this relationship but you know what,you might be right about saying we both like knew each other for a long time now and so,i do want to spend my future with you.i do want to create more memories with you,have more significant moments with you and be a part of your life.i want you to be a part in my life as well because,you complete the missing puzzle in my life.i know this whole post is so cheesy and very cliche and maybe,you've heard it before when you were still with your exes but i don't care,i don't really care whatever shit they ever said to you because i know,my words are real,it is a fact and don't you dare doubt about it.loving you is the most wonderful thing i could ever experience now.trust me,you give me an endless buckets of happiness.not through money or materials but through of how the way you treat me ever since we were friends.even until now,i am still feeling the butterflies flying all over in my stomach each time we meet up,the ridiculous anxious feeling which you keep on laughing about it "why?kenak,kenak anxious tok?hahaha" boy boy you have no idea how big is the impact you give me each time we want to meet up. :) 

Dear you, i cannot promise you that this relationship is going to be all about rainbows,chocolates and sweets because there will be rough times like any other relationships in this world but trust me,as long as you trying to make this work,i'm staying and i'm not going to stand in front of you,i'm going to stand beside you.

Love ya loads sweet sweet Rabbitt Tooth of mine. :3